The "Don't Dress Like A Slut" Debacle

This is a long post (when aren't they?), fuelled by a lot of emotion. It may raise a few eyebrows. It may surprise, anger, offend or disappoint. But I always [try to] express what is the truth to me, and am prepared to defend it even when it may fly in the face of other people's. This neither lessens nor negates my respect for another viewpoint.
 

For those of you who haven't heard the recent news headline, an officer from the Metro Police Force was speaking to a group of students at Osgoode Hall during a Campus Safety meeting. While offering tips on how to prevent sexual assault, the officer made a comment along the lines of "One piece of advice to young women - and I've been told I shouldn't say this - is to not dress like a slut."

The comment triggered a firestorm and the force issued a statement and an apology, stressing that the view expressed by this officer is not that of the department. Personally, I have two issues with what the police officer said. The first is that he wasn't in front of a female-only audience. I think that some of the more immature male students could take his words as license to offend. My second issue is his choice of vocabulary. The use of the word "slut" was wrong, callous, reductive and inappropriate. But I do agree with the implied meaning of his words.

Yes. That's right. I agree. NOT with the words themselves, but with what I believe was their true intention.

Before I explain exactly what I mean and why I mean it, I imagine that right now some of my friends are wondering if they've ever really known me. This may seem like completely the wrong response from someone who has spent the last several years fighting violence against women, standing up for victims here at home and around the world. It may seem to directly contradict my modest reputation as a "strong feminist" (a phrase which, interestingly enough, has been ascribed to me by others but never to me by me) and my lovingly bestowed title of "V-Warrior" as a result of my nearly five years as Producer of V-Day Toronto. But it is because of these things that much with sadness - as well as anger bolstered by hopefulness - I agree.

One thing that no one can argue is that this officer should have chosen his words far more carefully. The term that he used was offensive, in that it brings with it its own highly-charged, and arguable, "definition". What is a "slut" exactly? A woman who enjoys sex with different people? A woman who makes flirtatious advances towards men? A woman who has sex early in a relationship? A woman who initiates sexual contact? In other words, a woman who, if she were male, would simply be called "a man"? The word "slut" has become so much a symbol of an ever-present double standard that the moment it was used, any actual validity to the officer's message became moot. I have been thinking a LOT about this, rather than allowing myself to give in to a knee-jerk reaction. Perhaps I am wrong, and I'm the first person to say that I could be, but I do not believe in my gut that this police officer intended to hurt or insult the female students. The fact that he mentioned that he'd "been told not to say this" but said it anyway suggests that it IS something discussed amongst the police force. It also implies, at least to me, that he felt it necessary enough to say that he went ahead and did it anyway, despite risk of reproach. What I believe he was trying to do, albeit the wrong way, was to give "the cold hard facts" about life on a college campus.

The cold hard fact is that a lot of beautiful, wonderful young women who choose to dress very sexily are, often on that basis only, being raped. Viciously, indiscriminately raped.

It is an ugly truth, and an unbelievably unfair one, but it is happening every single day at universities around the world. In the last week I have found myself thinking back to before I started university, and the reason why I haven't crucified this officer is because I remember the very no-nonsense, not-gonna-mince-words approach that my own father took when trying to steel me for the big bad real world. I remember being told that no matter how classy and responsible I might be, that "if you appear to dress the part of the tramp, there are selfish men who will cast you in that part". And it is true. The statistics tell us this everyday. It is hurtful and debasing and inhumane and true, and we as women KNOW that it is and often do our best to guard ourselves against it. We will try on several outfits before going out with a guy because "We don't want to give the wrong impression." We'll ask a girlfriend "Does this look too sleazy?" We know we do, because we are subconsciously very aware of the fact that some men will use a woman's clothing as his "reason" for crossing the line. So why did we choose to attack someone for stating a concern that we ourselves have regarding how we choose to express our identities publicly?

I wish that rather than attacking this police officer, we could have at least attempted to see him as someone who was trying to be frank in giving (badly worded) advice that he genuinely believed would make females on campuses safer. I know that even as a grown woman before I moved out of my parents' house, if I was headed for a night out wearing painted-on jeans, a low cut blouse or skin tight anything, my own dad would more than likely have raised an eyebrow and tried his best without offending me to ask "Um... is that what you're wearing?" Obviously this comment would not be because I looked "slutty" or because my dad doesn't know perfectly well that I have every right to wear what I want to wear without fear of attack. It would be because as an adult man who has seen all that he has seen in his lifetime, he knows the reality of inappropriate male behaviour in certain circumstances, and knows the potential tragedy of the outcome. And now at my age I too will say without hesitation that if I had a daughter headed to a university campus, one of my big tips to her before she headed out of my driveway would be to be mindful of how she dresses. NOT because she would be "inviting" a rape -- that is a given. NO ONE IS EVER INVITING RAPE. (My friend Alex's friend created this brilliant commercial currently running in Scotland, which I hope the whole world eventually sees.) And not because she doesn't have the RIGHT to wear whatever she wants. But because the reality is that we know that a woman who dresses provocatively in the presence of a man she does not know -- or perhaps more accurately, who does not know her -- is more likely to be viewed by him as someone whose legs he can get between, even if that means taking her against her will either by force, or with "pharmaceutical" assistance.

If I knew that someone was likely to be mugged walking through a certain part of town, I would advise him to think better of it. If a black man was planning to stroll with his white girflriend down a street full of racists, I would advise them to think better of it. If an effeminate gay man was going to walk down the street in an area occupied by homophobes, I would advise him to think better of it. And if a young woman was going to wear a supershort mini and a cleavage-baring blouse on a college campus full of immature boys, I would advise her to think better of it. Because in a world of cruelty, there are times in which we must live preventively -- regardless of what our rights are. Is it fair? No. Must we work to change it? Yes. But I believe, to my very core, that I would be remiss in showing compassion for others if I did not make them aware of what could make them safer, and what could put them in harm's way. This next statement may rub people the wrong way, but I honestly feel that it CANNOT be about making a declaration of civil rights 24/7, whether in a U of T dorm or in a Congolese refugee camp. Sometimes it must simply be about risk aversion, about keeping someone from being violated or killed in that moment.

We CAN change the world, and we will. But it will be done by passionate, motivated collectives, not by one person putting herself at risk. Yes, we need those great courageous souls who will face danger for the dignity of many -- we all owe a huge debt of thanks to those people. But you cannot compare Rosa Parks sitting at the front of the bus to a 20-year-old girl wearing hot pants and a thong to a frat party. The latter doesn't speak on behalf of the marginalized, or combat oppression, or move a cause forward. All it does is put that individual in danger -- and for what??

There are those who will think that in voicing this opinion, I am attempting to set feminism back ten steps. That could not be further from the truth. I rejoice when women express their identities, celebrate and embrace their sexuality and highlight their femininity and sensuality. I love to see women looking sexy and I think that a miniskirt and high heels is as hot as the next person. I ALSO believe that unfortunately, we live in a world in which women need to be aware of around whom they are expressing themselves in this way. There is a huge difference between dressing provocatively to a party with friends you've known and trusted for years, and doing the same to a keg party full of strangers you've known for a month. When it comes to playful sexual expression through dress, it is SO much wiser to do it in the company of people who you know have your back, not amongst people who at the end of the day don't give a damn about you.

To end rape, we need to transform attitudes. Nothing else will do it. We need to force a dialogue between men and women -- and between men and men -- that starts when we are boys and girls and teaches equality and reverence. We need to teach every young man who sees a sexy woman that he can pray to have her, but he cannot prey upon her. THAT is part of the reason why I have done what I have done with my life for the past four and a half years. It is why I was one of the first V-Day producers in Canada to present the play A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer and why after doing it for V-Day '08, I sought permission to bring it back for the Fringe. It is why I not once - but twice - have selected a man to direct it, and why I am committed to making men a significant part of V-Day Toronto. It is why I have chosen to teach preschool, and to teach theatre to children and youth. There is MUCH work to be done in terms of fostering unconditional respect between the sexes and it begins in our earliest interactions. The way to ensure that a man does not see a woman in a short skirt as "asking for it" is to ensure that a boy does not see a girl as any less valuable, any less substantive, any less self-determinant than he is. We need to make respect and compassion the underpining of everything. We need to teach men to find that which they find holy in their mothers and sisters to be holy in every woman. Shouting "We have rights!" by itself will not change anything. Simply wearing what we want to wear -- what we deserve to be able to wear -- without the rest of what is necessary will not change anything. What I fear it will result in is more broken girls. And that kills me.

Standing up for ourselves is important, no question. That said, I'm not going to give a young woman idealistic advice that could leave her traumatized for life, any more than I would give a black man idealistic advice that could leave him hanging from a tree. Yes we all have the RIGHT to choose our clothing and not be attacked. But while we can work together to reach this goal, we do ourselves and our safety no service by pretending to have already attained it. I know sexual assault. I know what it is to spend 72 hours in the fetal position, virtually catatonic. In the year that I spent working as a Crisis Line Counsellor with the Toronto Rape Crisis Centre, I had the blessing and the horror of talking women out of cars in garages with the motor running, of getting them to not tie the rope around their necks, of pleading with them to put the razor blade or the pill bottle down. It is DEVASTATING. It is brutal.

Obviously, not all rapes occur as the result of a man's unconscionable response to a woman's clothing. However it is a constant that comes up repeatedly when speaking to sex offenders. It can be a trigger in the mind of a sick being. So I cannot bring myself to simply say "Forget those bastards, ladies! It's your right! Wear whatever you want!" knowing that to say that is to throw precious young women into a lion's den. In good conscience I can't. That is far too simplistic in a world in which tens of thousands of men every year still target the one who "looks like she wants it". The fact that THEY are in the wrong and WE are in the right does not make the pain of the aftermath any less. So while "Try not to dress like a slut " is crass and harsh, "Try not too dress too provocatively in the company of men whose character you don't know", is probably very wise. I believe in defending principle, God knows I do. With everything in me. I am not backing down from our fight, or transferring ANY of the blame away from where it solely lies. I AM speaking as someone who understands rape from the inside out. It destroys. It is like having someone empty an AK-47 into your soul; I have described it as being given a dishonorable discharge from your own life. I firmly believe that we need to continue to fight each and every day to make things different and fair and equal for women around this planet. I will continue to do that beyond my time with V-Day. I also know that between now and that inevitable future, there is an interim. And it is that which I fear, because the devastation that will come from crossing paths with a self-serving predator during that interim will not be worth any skirt.

It would be wonderful - perhaps the dawn of true equality - if we could tell our daughters that they could dress in the most revealing or sexy of outfits around men whose penises are heat-seeking missiles, and NOT risk sexual assault. I envision a time when a young woman will be able to walk down the street or into any club wearing absolutely anything she wants, and be respected. It would be a new day. But the fact is that we do not yet live in a society where that is the case. We DON'T. To pretend that it IS that way, just because it SHOULD be that way, is very dangerous. And so I say to always consider what you are wearing and around whom you are wearing it. I am sorry if my feminist friends - male and female alike - are offended or dismayed by that statement. I make no apologies for it. It comes from a place of love. Until the world changes, until we change the still popular sexist attitude that allows these violations to happen, we must acknowledge the pervasiveness of this attitude and do what is likely to keep us safe today while endeavouring to change tomorrow. I long for the day when, in a rape trial, what the victim was wearing isn't seen as relevant. I pray that when my niece is old enough, she will be able to walk through the world in a crop top and leather mini and be afforded the same regard and dignity as if she did it in a floral print dress or a power suit. I long for the day when every woman's beauty and sensuality will be seen as sacred by not MOST men, but by ALL men.

I find myself thinking now about a wonderful monologue, which I have come to view as more of a prayer. I have included it below. May the day come when women do not have to tone their femininity down in order to stave off the sexual aggression of the ignorant, the angry, the unevolved. I ACHE for that day, and I will continue to contribute in a way that can hopefully help to bring that day about. It is on its way. It is not here yet.

- TT

MY SHORT SKIRT
by Eve Ensler

My short skirt
is not an invitation
a provocation
an indication
that I want it
or give it
or that I hook.

My short skirt
is not begging for it
it does not want you
to rip it off me
or pull it up or down.

My short skirt
is not a legal reason
for raping me
although it has been before
it will not hold up
in the new court.

My short skirt, believe it or not,
has nothing to do with you.

My short skirt
is about discovering
the power of my calves
about cool autumn air traveling
up my inner thighs
about allowing everything I see
or pass or feel to live inside.

My short skirt is not proof
that I am stupid
or undecided
or a malleable little girl.

My short skirt is my defiance.
I will not let you make me afraid.
My short skirt is not showing off,
this is who I am
before you made me cover it
or tone it down.
Get used to it.

My short skirt is happiness.
I can feel myself on the ground.
I am here. I am hot.
My short skirt is a liberation
flag in the women's army.
I declare these streets, any streets,
my vagina's country.

My short skirt
is turquoise water with swimming colored fish
a summer festival in the starry dark
a bird calling
a train arriving in a foreign town.
My short skirt is a wild spin
a full breath
a tango dip.
My short skirt is
initiation, appreciation, excitation.

But mainly my short skirt
and everything under it
is mine, mine, mine.