I Work In The Theatre And I Have A Confession

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day, also in theatre, and she told me something.  It was something that she said she was scared to say out loud, for fear of not being seen as a serious actor. When she told me, I first stared at her blankly and then burst out laughing, only because I completely understood and had carried the same truth around forever.  She was shocked to learn that I felt the same way and I was shocked to learn the level of shame that she bore.  I said "You're not the only one! If I shout it from the rooftop will you stop feeling bad about it? Because I totally will."  She smiled and said yes, but of course it was all hypothetical and we weren't on a rooftop, so there was no risk.  I didn't actually have follow through with declaring and owning my part of our shared dirty little secret.

But in the online world is loud and immediate -- a virtual rooftop of sorts. I choose to honour that promise, for her and any other of my theatre artists who may have the same secret buried way down deep or just beneath the surface. So here goes.

I, Tanisha Taitt, am terrified of Shakespeare.

TERRIFIED.

Terrified to act it, terrified to direct it.  Just plain, flat out, terrified.

It's not that I dislike it.  The language is rich and beautiful and the structure formidable. It has always made me feel, however, just a little bit less either responsive or engaged. Maybe both.  Ever since I was in high school.  I would read Shakespeare in English class and it would exhaust me.  I think I'm a reasonably intelligent person but maybe in this regard I'm just not all that bright. I started reading very, very young and it had always been such solace for me; words were my playground and they still are.  But I was never able to find that solace with ol' Will.  My mom (bless her heart) suggested that I spend more time studying Latin or reading Chaucer in order to take my linguistic Spideysenses to a different space. Yeah... that attempt lasted about a week before I almost lost my mind. 

I vividly remember sitting in class analyzing Twelfth Night and wanting nothing more than to tear out of there in my letter sweater and kilt and run home. I longed to curl up in my bed with Dickens and the Brontes and Munro and Steinbeck and Atwood.  As an adolescent girl THAT was work that pulled me in, freed my imagination, excited the writer in me, awakened the seeker in me. Shakespeare never felt like much more than homework.  I would read it and contemplate it but it never entered my bloodstream like other literary work did. As I got older that didn't change.  It's like it never got the combination to the lockbox that was me.  Or maybe it was the reverse.  Who knows.

I do love Macbeth, probably because I had a great teacher for that play. And that's why I refuse to call it The Scottish Play -- because it's the only Shakespeare that I ever felt the kind of connection to that so many others seem to feel to his entire works.  I also have a sincere admiration for Othello and Hamlet and liked Lear, but I'm guessing that I was far less intrigued by R+J than most teenaged girls. It's not that I don't appreciate his other plays - both intellectually and artistically I respect ALL of it.  It just doesn't speak to me the way that most drama speaks to me.  It doesn't give me shivers and move me.  

  

I tried and tried to make it speak to me on a deeper level until I realized that in the world of literary cheeses Shakespeare would never be my Havarti or Brie or old age Cheddar. It was more likely to remain my Stilton, the taste of which I cannot abide. That's okay.  That is one hell of a horrible analogy but that's okay too. Sometimes the things that pop into my head are mindnumbingly bad.

I should expound on "terrified". It's not so much that I don't think that I could technically do it if I had to.  It's that I don't think I would enjoy it because I don't think I would feel it.  And feeling is everything in the theatre.  You can intellectualize your butt off but if your feelings can't invest, I honestly believe that you have no business touching a play. The thought of being part of something that can't unlock me emotionally terrifies me. Some will think me less of an actor or less of a director because of this -- that's their business. They could be right.  But I'm not daunted by it anymore.  Or embarrassed or diminished.  

We in this industry are a myriad of aptitudes and I've come to understand that there are many who direct Shakespeare brilliantly who wouldn't be able to do some of the things that I've done.  Some would be able to do both with ease; they are more skilled than I am. I can back away slowly now, with much respect and without shame, for the simple reason that I have never emotionally invested in Shakespeare. I'm learning to say that now despite feeling the pressure of the everpresent pedestal that is his name. I'm not emotionally compelled by Shakespeare the same way I'm not emotionally compelled by Mamet.  I'm just not. Mine is a wide awake heart, but I can't manufacture a gut response that isn't there. For someone who has chosen theatre as her life that can be scary, but I try not to beat myself up over it anymore. We as creators all have our 'weaknesses' and I guess this is one of mine.  I can own it.

So, mon amie, you are not alone!  Consider this the rooftop!  I am terrified of Shakespeare!  That's just the way it is and the need to "conquer" it has long passed. As a theatre artist, that reality will always keep me very humble no matter what else I take on and succeed at.  It also makes me want to become that much better at the theatre I DO want to give my life to. Maybe one day I will feel a sudden hunger to tackle it but for now, that hunger is directed elsewhere.  Lord knows that there is no shortage of other wonderful work to sink one's teeth into.  There are plays I believe I am meant to dance with at some point in my career -- pieces that somehow align absolutely with my soul, my sensibilities and my strengths. Then there are those which I think are best served by the actors and directors who can penetrate them and do them the justice they deserve.  I've come to the conclusion that for me The Bard falls into Category B, and I'm okay with that. Finally.

Not everyone loves blue cheese.  

- TT