The Bludgeoning Of The F-Word

i'm tired.  i'm so tired that i can't be bothered to use capitals in this post. i am tired of the repeated bad judgment, the cruelty, the catfights, the camps, the lack of sisterhood.  i am tired.  and irritated. 

people are shocked to learn that not once in my life - not in a facebook post, an email, a blog entry or an actual conversation - have i ever referred to myself as a feminist. they say that it makes no sense in light of the things that i support, how i try to operate and what i believe in. i've explained that my decision - to not use that self-identifier - is one i have consciously made because the word, to my mind, has been blugeoned. beaten within an inch of its life. and because i can never be sure what meaning (illogically derived or otherwise) someone else ascribes to the word, i choose to not put a descriptor on myself which can in turn be viewed through a skewed lens and misinterpreted based on whatever that person's self-determined definition of 'feminist' is.

reacting in this particular moment to the sinead/miley saga, which began with sinead's honest and earnest letter and quickly devolved into a train wreck exchange (i am fascinated by how often things are shameful and shameless simultaneously) of insulting tweets, claims of mental illness and threats of litigation, i feel sad and embarrassed for both of them.  miley would say that she does what she does because she is "owning her sexuality" as a feminist. sinead speaks out because she believes that she is looking out for miley, being o'connor the 'feminist', but then threatens a lawsuit against a young girl whose judgment we already know has gone awry and whom she claimed to want to help only two days earlier.  other 'feminists' bash sinead for criticizing miley because they think they that for any woman to criticize another woman - no matter how valid, constructive or potentially reparative the criticism - is to not be a 'real feminist'. because apparently, 'real feminists' think that every horribly bad and self-destructive decision a girl or woman makes is awesome simply because she should have the right to make it.

at another link on another page, one woman pens an article stating that real women stay home to mother their children.  she belittles working mothers. women scream back that real women are 'feminists' who pursue their career goals.  and so it goes back and forth "you're not a real feminist!" "whatever bitch - you don't know what feminism is!!" subsections of women claim the word "feminist" as their own and dismiss any definition that doesn't match theirs.  we are all invited to the bashing party.  round and round in circles they go, claiming feminist superiority with zero cognizance of the irony inherent therein.  i used to like merry-go-rounds.  i do not like this one.  It is not at all merry, and altogether reductive.

meanwhile, with great glee, the men who would diminish and deride us - along with the women who for reasons unknown choose to maintain or even advance a patriarchal societal framework - sit watching smugly from the sidelines as we tear each other apart.

it is so, so stupid, and counterproductive, and it leaves scratches on my spirit.  whether one internalizes the values, beliefs and mission of feminism can be seen in the life lived.  i'm not a feminist because i call myself one any more than i'm a revolutionary because i wear a che guevara t-shirt.  it is about the way in which a person, male or female, moves through the world. i've worked with young girls, and in the anti-violence movement with incredible women who self-identify as feminists, and I have never needed to attach any noun or adjective to myself as evidence of my credibility as their colleague or their leader.  we belong alongside each other because of the commonality of our goals.  period.  to those who embrace the word and employ it with the best of intentions - that is wonderful. wear it proudly.  but the heart of feminism is the ability to choose what works for you.  four decades in to my walk on this planet, i know that i believe deeply in the movement.  i know just as strongly that the term isn't working for me.  i can only speak for me. each woman's experience of that word is her own.  

given the choice between expending my energy on living the life or reclaiming the word, the former is my priority.  so as i always have, i shall continue to describe myself if necessary as a socially-conscious, justice-seeking, pensive and passionate woman.  i am wary of the F-word, not because of the word itself.  the feminine, the female, the femme... divine. but it has been misappropriated, maligned, and tossed around to describe or defend things that are its exact opposite. tragic. i am wary of the word 'feminist' because i am tired of it being hijacked.  

- TT